“It’s not like someone died” grieving and the workplace
Talking about dying is normal, actually.
CW: Death and dying. Happy Sunday everyone! 💀 If this is a bit heavy for you right now, I hope you have a healthy and healing summer 🌞
On Monday, it will be five years since my dad died, after a short bout of cancer (of an unknown primary). I was 26 years old, he was 73. He got about 6 months after diagnosis, which was revealed to us at Christmas Day dinner table (what can I say, my parents are/were dramatic and potentially a bit clueless.) We were both way too young.
People die, like all the time. Knowing what grief looks like, and accommodations you can give for a grieving person, are incredibly important to know as a manager, especially when you’re young and may not have experienced the dying process in someone personally close to you.
Now that I’ve had some space from the acute end of grieving, I wanted to put my thoughts down around how you, a smart empathetic person who cares about work and making it good for the people around you (no matter what stage of life people are in), can make one of the shittiest times in someone’s life marginally more bearable.
yep yep cool cool cool, just gotta pretend to be a functioning human being for 8 hours a day, no sweat
Fuck company policy, take the time you need.
Company policies around personal leave are often obtuse, conditional (dependant on length of service) and re-traumatising (thank you ex employer I will not name, to whom I had to explain my dad’s prognosis to try to get remote working approved [they eventually refused to give me any].)
I will be forever grateful to my managers at Memrise (Luke and Mike) who, when my dad passed, who not only supported me but also let me take all the time I needed, no questions asked. I’m pretty sure my time out wasn’t even logged in our HR system. I had only been working there for under a month, so them giving me that grace has always stuck with me.
When someone is dying, you don’t know how much “good time” you have left with them. Giving your people that ability to spend good time with their person is invaluable. If you are managing someone who is grieving, beg, borrow and bend the rules of your organisation to give them the time and space they need to be with the people they need to. That simple kindness can be a blessing in times where their brain isn’t really screwed on straight- indeed, I’ve never forgotten it.
Work can be a sanctuary
You never want to be the sad sack who brings up being recently bereaved at the lunch table, but it can suck to have done all the difficult work that caring for a dying person, and then working through the grief, and not be able to mention it at all.
There is a very British reaction to clam up and avoid the topic of death and dying. That’s almost worse, as it makes those of us who have been bereaved feel “wrong.” I understand the fear that if you ask a person going through the grieving process “are you okay” they might say “no”… and then what happens? Talking about FEELINGS? With COWORKERS? UNACCEPTABLE!!
Much of the reading I did in the years after my dad’s death (thanks therapy) have solidified my belief that talking about dying, and being more comfortable with it as a concept, is healthy both personally and for society at large.
You need to walk the line between giving your friend/coworker/employee space to bring up how they’re really feeling, and also allowing them that’s sanctuary of a place that’s not overtaken by being bereaved. We don’t want our whole lives to be grieving. For me and many others I have spoken to, the workplace is a refuge where you can kinda dissociate from the realities of just having lost someone. What could that look like? Well…
Engage with the grieving person in simple, actionable ways. Questions like “You wanna grab lunch?” “How was the train today?” Are gonna get you better results than “how are you feeling? I’m so sorry…”, especially in the immediate aftermath
If the grieving person wants to talk about it, give them space to. Ideally in private, ideally outside the office. Going on meeting walks can be a really nice way of getting big feelings out without feeling like the whole office is gonna see
Off colour jokes are okay sometimes
Humour can be a healthy way to deal with grieving, especially as it gets less fresh and you can’t just get away with crying ALL THE TIME. Sincerely, the president of the dead dad joke club.
It’s okay to laugh if someone makes a dead dad (or insert relation here) joke
However, I recommend avoiding making them yourself if you don’t know the dead-or-alive status of the people around you. As I alluded to above, in the UK we have a bit of taboo round talking about our feelings (ew) especially when it comes to bereavement. So many people are struggling internally and may never bring it up as they don’t want to make things awkward in the office. It’s common sense, but avoid joking about how you “wish your parents were dead” when they’re bothering you. At least come up with a better joke :)
Anniversaries are weird. But sometimes they’re not.
The date of someone’s death can be a big thing, an acute reminder of how much this person has missed out on your life, what they’ve not seen, what they won’t be there for in the future etc.
But also sometimes it’s not. Too often we have an expectation of grieving that you have to be Visibly Sad around the days / events that reference their passing. You don’t!
Similar to my theme above of communicating- If you are a manager, note down any significant dates in your directs lives (good and bad.) Around then, take that little extra time in a 121 to ask how they are doing, consider their workload and, if appropriate, give them some time away or easy tasks. However, if they want to get stuck into work- give them that space. Flexibility in what grieving can look like can make a meh day just a bit easier.
Over all, don’t place your own expectations of what grieving should look like onto your employee. Even if you’ve been through the process. Being considerate, offering flexible scheduling and just making people know you’re there if they need you will do most of the heavy lifting.
Your boss probably isn’t coming to your funeral
Sounds grim but yeah. Most of us don’t work at 30-year retirement jobs where they give you a Rolex and a pension anymore. Unless you build particularly close bonds at work that transcend that work-life barrier, your boss and your coworkers aren’t gonna be at your death bed.
Why am I speaking about this here? Well, having someone close to you die can throw into sharp relief that work-life balance, and how much effort and time you put into both sides. Don’t be surprised if a bereaved employee starts to pull back from work socialising and networking. They may come back in time. Or they’ll realise they want to spend their finite time on this planet cultivating relationships with people who choose to be around them without financial incentive. That isn’t a bad thing, it is a blessing. Maybe you should think about it too 😊
Further reading
If this has affected you or you believe you would benefit from some further reading, I recommend the books Time Lived Without its Flow, a poetic, raw exploration of the grieving process by Denise Riley and With the End in Mind by Katheryn Mannix, a doctor’s discussion on the actual physical process of dying, following several patients and stories. Both were hugely moving to me- I am not responsible for the amount you will cry!
My dad would be really proud of me writing this blog and speaking to you all. That’s it.