Turning down my dream job
Turning down my dream job
Why the hell would I do that?
I turned down my dream job this week.
A studio I’ve wanted to work at for years finally gave me the nod, and offered me a role. A good title, compensation and mission. So why would I reject that, at this serendipitously free time in my life?
If you’re exploring your career, your life and how you find balance between both, you may find yourself at a similar crossroads. So I’m sharing my experience!
A storied history
This company and myself have a long relationship. I did a little work with them while on my Microsoft internship. Myself, the creative director and head of UX have gone back and forth for what my role could look like there- for years!
It’s one of the joys I’ve found of getting more experienced- job opportunities are less often a “shoot off a CV into the pit of Workable and hope you catch someone’s eye” and more of a continuation of years of casual conversation, meeting at conferences and shared opinions on design and management.
Early into my career break they got in touch about a role- I was ecstatic! Finally, it seemed like the stars were aligning for us to work together. It was contract (probably preferring that for my next role [more on that next week!]), great team, suited to my experience. I passed the interviews and received an offer.
So then… why the h-e-doublehockeysticks did I walk away?
Right place, wrong time
The perfect job at the wrong time of your life is not the perfect job.
The perfect job at the wrong time of your life is not the perfect job.
I’ve come to accept I am (was?) burned out. 2019 through 2021 were some of the toughest years of my life, and I didn’t give myself suitable time to heal and reflect (lesson learned!)
Recovering from burnout isn’t a quick fix. It’s not leaving a job and immediately gone. High cortisol levels (chronic stress) take time to reduce as your body adjusts to the lower stress environment.
I was running on fumes for years. I need some time to recharge the tank.
Looking at this job specifically, on paper it was perfect for me (aligning game designers and stakeholders on the player experience through hacky prototypes? This is LITERALLY MY SHIT). But the burned out, running on fumes, only just recovering Cait might be able to do it for a few weeks. Maybe even a month!
But I wouldn’t be giving my all, or getting what I wanted from it. You can’t heal when you’re still putting yourself through stress.
Getting close to my career vision and having the space away from work allowed me to have that insight. I might not have had that clarity were I wrapped up in my old job.
Dreams evolve
So I had to have the difficult conversation of “yes I love the idea of this job. Yes it is perfect for a version of me (the healthy, recovered, enthusiastic version of me). But it’s not for me right now.”
The recruiter wasn’t exactly happy. But I was at peace.
At the end of the day, I knew that though I could take this role, they wouldn’t be getting the best of me, or me of them. Living through three of the worst recessions in history (hello fellow millennials), there is a tendency not to look a gift horse in the mouth. You need to jump at every chance of work- because what if it doesn’t come again?
The fact of the matter is I’m barely three weeks into burnout recovery, and any job, even one that’s perfect on paper, isn’t right for me yet.
Who knows if this opportunity will reappear? I trust that if it’s meant to be, it will.
If you find yourself in the situation of getting everything you ever thought you wanted, and yet still feeling unsure- trust that feeling. Dreams evolve and shift.
The perfect job finds you at the right time.
Letters from the editor
Is it a coincidence that as I was writing this, the Occupational Burnout talk from GDC went live (featuring my friends Osama and Anna?) Go watch it. You won’t regret it.
Next week we’re talking about the difference between contract and perm work as a design leader. C u ther!